A Brief History of Underwear Fashion

It doesn't take long for underwear to arrive on the scene. First Adam names all the animals, then God gives Adam a sleeping pill so God can have some private time to create Eve, the newlyweds have a snack, and voila! Underwear.

The Ancient Egyptians, in some of the first human attempts to create written language and record laws and history, create the heiroglyph and the underwear model profession is born. Thousands of examples of this ancient text survive to this day, immortalizing underwear models for eternity. It's important to note, as can be seen in the sample here, that underwear modelling is a dual-gender profession from the very start. Also, due to the harsh desert environment and agrarian lifestyle, fat underwear modelling is yet to develop.

The toga and the symposium meet and the great philosophers of Ancient Greece find themselves the reluctanct vanguard of fat underwear modelling world history. As can be seen in the depiction here, colored underwear has now arrived, and so underwear as a fashion statement is born... later to reach it's utlimate expression in the mid 1980's with the Underoos line of briefs. The Caesars, in tribute to the great philosophers, adopt the underwear model persona and the trend lasts through much of the Roman Empire.

Jesus and John, two cousins from Galilee, adopt underwear modelling as a lifestyle. John is beheaded and Jesus is crucified. To this day a small gnositc sect of underwear models in the middle east worhsip Jesus as their savior and teach that salvation is gained through underwear as an outter-garment.

With the slow emergence of puritanical tendencies into maintstream christianity, underwear is no longer worn openly. As a result, many underwear models devoted to preserving the craft through the Dark Ages are accused of heresy and burned at the stake. So strong is the oppression of "skivvy witches" that underwear remains taboo well into the late 1800's. Contemporary historians and sociologists are still unable to accurately estimate the underwear modelling talent lost to fear, superstition, and ignorance during the Dark Ages.

Thanks to Sears and Roebuck, underwear modelling comes back out of the closet and into the pages of their scintillating newsprint catalogue. Underwear modelling and fashion continues its comeback well into the mid 1900's.

When Clark Gable takes off his dress shirt to reveal his bare chest in It Happened One Night, underwear sales drop through the floor. The breakout success of other undershirtless stars like Paul Newman stunt underwear sales well into the seventies. Suddenly, skin is in.

From the flickering screens of theatres across America, John Belushi reaches into the glory days of underwear to bring the industry back from the dead; Animal House remains a comedy film classic to this day. The nearly lost art of fat underwear modelling, specifically, is reborn. Close on the heels of Belushi's success, Jim Palmer proves that "nuthin' gets between him and his" Jockies, making Palmer a baseball-to-underwear-model crossover demigod. In 1983, savvy newcomer Tom Cruise tears a page from Belushi's book by spending 1/4 of his screen time in Risky Business in underwear and wayfarers. The strategy catapults him to the number one hollywood marquee actor for well over twenty years.

From a handful of unmentionables merchants, to a nationwide catalogue and mall shop sensation, Victoria's Secret isn't. By 1997 the underwear "angels" have leapt out of the glossy photos between fourteen year olds' mattresses into half-baked, poorly acted sitcoms. The mainstreaming of underwear modelling emboldens fat screen stars like John Goodman and John Belushi's brother Jim to try their hand at acting-fat-underwear-modelling fusion in movies such as The Babe and Return to Me. Every guy and his cousin-mother seek fame and fortune on amateur underwear modelling star search shows such as The Jerry Springer Show and Ricki Lake.